Caution: Nerd Rage ahead

At heart I’m a warrior, a knight in shining armour. Which is why I detest tropical/jungle themed zones in MMOs.

Firstly, it just seems incongruous that knights should be gallivanting through a landscape full of palm trees, vines and gorillas.

Secondly – and more importantly – there isn’t a jungle themed zone in an MMO that does not include killing lots, and lots of the local wildlife. Yes, MMOs are about grinding PvE content. And killing ten zombies is no different than killing ten rats. But, killing ten rats seems, well… less epic.

The vast majority of quests in tropical zones are variations on “kill ten monkeys“.

“Say there young knight, would you be so kind to save our village by killing 100 panthers, 100 giant lizards and 10,000 great apes?

Kill ten monkeys

I play the plated caster classes to be the hero, not the local exterminator. If the NPCS have a problem with the wildlife, then surely they can call 1800-Kill-Ten-Monkeys. Got some undead to fight? Sure call me. Need a rogue wizard slain. That’s me.

The moment I enter a zone, and I see a lush, tropical rain forest I shudder.

Yes, I’m in nerd rage mode, so pay attention MMO developers!

Plus, PETA is after you. The defenders of all things cute and furry don’t like these quests either.

What also irks me is that text that often accompanies these quests. More often or not it reminds me of my daughters favourite story book:

“Were going on a bear hunt,
We’re going to catch a big one!
What a beautiful day,
We’re not scared!

Yes, where going on a quest, we’re going to complete a big one! What a beautiful day!

I still wake in the middle of the night screaming...

I still wake in the middle of the night screaming...

The horror, the horror.

Lets take the worst MMO zone of all time: the infamous Stranglethorn Vale. (STV).

Talk to any WoW player and say/type STV and you can predict the response. Groans or gasps of horror.

STV is an enormous, sprawling jungle themed zone that they have grind through between the mid-20 to mid-30 levels. Ten plus levels of killing thousands of animals. Quest after quest asks you to kill raptors, panthers, gorillas and six legged crocodiles. And until recently, you had to run on foot across the whole zone.

It’s so bad, even WoW’s lead designer hates the zone.

“You never want the player to think that somebody made the game. Every time they’re thinking, ‘Why is this happening?’, you have failed.”

Augustine must have spent at *least* a month in STV when levelling back in vanilla WoW days when your first mount was not available until level 40. I walked the same damn zone for a month, killing lions, tigers and bears in endless frustration and boredom. It was only the lure of getting out of their alive that kept me going!

Now I’m sure that there are some good tropical themed zones out there, somewhere in MMO land.However, I suffer from Post-traumatic-STV-Syndrome (PTSS). Whenever I see a palm tree in the metaverse, I run screaming.

As Colonel Kurtz said: “The horror, the horror…

How many more pages of the "Green Hills of Stranglethorn" do I need?

How many more pages of the "Green Hills of Stranglethorn" do I need?

Or why I didn’t grow up to work in the pest control industryAt heart I’m a warrior, a knight in shining armour. Which is why I *detest* tropical/jungle zones in MMOs..Firstly, it just seems incongruous that knights should be gallivanting through a landscape backdrop with palm trees, vines and gorillas.

Secondly, and more importantly, there isn’t a jungle themed zone in an MMO that does not include killing lots, and lots of the local wildlife.

The vast majority of quests are variations on “kill ten monkeys“.

“Say there young knight, would you be so kind to save our village by killing 100 panthers, 100 giant lizards and great apes?

/sigh

Dear god, no!

Like I said, I play the plated caster types to be the hero, not the local exterminator. If the NPCS have a problem with the wildlife, then surely they can call 1800-Kill-ten-Rats. Got some undead to fight? Sure call me. Need a rogue wizard slain. That’s me.

The moment I enter a zone, and I see a lush, tropical rain forest I shudder.

Note to MMO designers; drop the kill ten rats quests. There a boring grind, offer no challenge and unless your a hunter/skinner class of some short its meaningless.

Yes, I’m in nerd rage mode.

Plus, PETA is after you. The defenders of all things cute and furry don’t like these quests either.

The text that often accompanies these quests often reminds me of my daughters story book:

“Were going on a bear hunt,

We’re going to catch a big one!

What a beautiful day,

We’re not scared!

Lets take the worst MMO zone of all time: the infamous Stranglethorn Vale.

The horror, the horror.

WoW players know what I’m talking about here. An enormous, sprawling jungle themed zone that they have grind through between levels 20-30. Yes, ten or more levels in the one zone. Ten levels of killing thousands of animals. Raptors, panthers, gorillas and six legged crocodile things. And until recently, you had to run form point to pint across the whole zone.

Augustine must have spent at *least* a month in STV when levelling back in vanilla WOW days when your first mount was not available until level 40. Yes, I walked the same damn zone for a month, killing lions, tigers and bears in endless frustration and boredom. It was only the lure of getting out of their alive that kept me going!

Now I’m sure that there are some good tropical themed zones out there, somewhere in MMO land.

However, I suffer from Post-traumatic-STV-Syndrome (PTSS).

Colonel Kurtz said: “The horror, the horror…